This Is How to Kick Ass at Life After 40

 In Badassery

Dec. 5 is my birthday. And you’d think by 42, I’d have this thing called life completely wired.

But as this crazy year has shown me, I don’t.

I’m still my own worst enemy and harshest critic.

Some days, I really hate my body.

And about once a month, I have a giant existential panic. I’m not a mom or a Kindle millionaire or climbing Mount Everest. So WTF is the point of me?

So no, turning 40 hasn’t graced me with instant bliss and enlightenment.

On the other hand, there are some parts of life after 40 that totally kick ass.

After my 40th birthday, a lot of the noise started to fall away. I stopped worrying so much about being liked by everyone. This gave me more freedom to speak my mind, be myself, and take foolish chances that (sometimes) paid off.

So here are a few things I’ve learned about kicking ass in my 42 years on this planet. I hope you other over-forties will comment and add your own!

Photos: Hiking after 40 at Rosalie Peak, Mount Eolus, Rocky Mountain National Park, and Pequeno Alpamayo (Bolivia)

It’s better to be a cult classic than a blockbuster

All through my 30s, I was painfully careful what I posted to Facebook.

(And I’m not talking about some drunken 3 a.m. photo with a boob falling out.)

No, I actually hesitated to post articles about feminism, social justice, politics, science, or other subjects I care about for fear of offending someone.

My online dating profile was just as bland. God forbid I scare off guys by actually looking real!

Then around 40, I realized I was bored to death with myself.

Because the quest to be popular eventually sucks the life, authenticity, and creativity out of you. (And after all that, some people still won’t like you.)

The best way to find and bond with your tribe — the people who will unconditionally love the shit out of you — is to militantly be yourself.

To this end, I started making Facebook posts that reflected my deepest values — and watched gleefully to see who would unfriend and unfollow. (A few people did.)

But I also had some of the best online conversations I’ve had in years. I even discovered a few soul friends hiding in plain sight.

So screw being the feel-good summer blockbuster that everyone forgets by Thanksgiving.

Be a cult classic.

Be so winning and original that arthouse theaters still run midnight showings 40 years later. (And your true fans show up in costumes.)

It’s easier, it’s more fun, and it will bring the right people into your life.

Miss Adventure Pants on life after 40

Be painfully human

I just came back from a trip to Mexico with four friends. All through the week, I was amazed with how well-behaved they were.

They rarely complained or seemed angry or annoyed or sad.

I figured they were just more mature than me. Because I’m one big ball of emotions. I find it totally impossible to hold in strong feelings.

But you now what? That’s OK too.

Because if I learned anything from 20 cycles of ANTM, it’s that showing your humanity is beautiful.

Being real about your emotions (even they get kinda messy) gives other people permission to do the same. Because let’s face it, nothing good comes from swallowing down feelings.

So never apologize for showing anger, bursting into tears, hating something, or making a mistake. Consider it a service to yourself and others.

And if you need permission, just come travel with me.

Enjoy your body

This year, I had a massive relapse of body angst.

Seriously, it reminded me of being back in college, where I felt compelled to work out on the Stairmaster for two hours a day and live on Garden Burgers and carrot sticks.

Part of it was having huge training goals. And spending time in the hyper-competitive high-altitude mountaineering community didn’t really help.

All through the year, I felt like my body was letting me down. I set out to get in the best shape of my life. But after 11 months, I only got about 75 percent of the way there — all while gaining 10 pounds.

(Never mind that I was working three jobs, taking a yearlong intensive business course, and prepping for three huge trips at the same time. I blamed my body 100 percent.)

It was a crushing disappointment. But the truth is, body hatred gets you nowhere.

Sometimes you just need to love your body and thank it for all it does for you.

So if you catch yourself hating your body and whipping it to go faster, harder, skinnier, or whatever … STOP.

Take a week off from rigid training and eating regiments. I know it’s hard when you already feel like you’re failing. But sometimes less is more.

Instead, take time to enjoy your body. Treat it with compassion.

Sleep in. Get a massage. Eat delicious food with people you love.

Miss Adventure Pants on life after 40

Do things you suck at because you love them

Another tough thing about this year has been surrounding myself with these incredibly talented mountaineers for whom everything comes easy (or so it appears).

When we were getting ready for Mount Rainier, a few of us went out every weekend and climbed with 50-lb. packs. We did 20-mile traverses on 14ers. Everything was “to the pain.”

A few days before we left for Washington, we all got together for a barbecue. That’s where one of the assistant instructors (who is an amazing athlete) said:

“Oh, I didn’t actually train that much. I didn’t even hike with weight. Relax, everyone will be fine!”

(She was totally trying to reassure us. But can you see my head exploding from there?)

So yeah, it’s hard when you’re not naturally gifted at things you love. It sucks to have to work harder than everyone else and have less to show for it.

But so what?

You don’t have to be the best to have fun. You can totally be the worst climber on the mountain and have the most fun. It’s really up to you.

It’s true in other areas of life, too. You don’t have to be at the top of the class or an office superstar or a perfect partner or parent. You just have to do whatever you do with your whole heart.

And remember, everyone roots for the underdog. People relate to struggle more than brilliance. You might just end up being someone’s unlikely hero.

Fail gloriously

Last week in Mexico, the conditions were really icy on Orizaba. Out of 30 people who made an attempt, only five summited. So down at the climbers hut, there was a lot of disappointment.

I overheard one young climber say wistfully,

That’s the first mountain I set out to climb that I didn’t summit.

Which immediately made me think, She hasn’t been doing this long.

Hey, no one likes to fail. But failure is the big red badge of actually giving a shit and trying.

Awhile ago, some freelance writers in one of my online groups started a contest to see who could rack up the most rejections. It may sound self-defeating, but it was actually a brilliant idea.

In freelancing, persistence is your best weapon. The writers who rack up the most rejections usually make the most sales. Each rejection is bringing you one step closer to the payoff.

So if you must fail, do it like an erupting volcano or an atomic bomb. Because this requires doing great things.

Don’t let your failed effort be a tiny, half-assed fart that gets lost in the noise of the universe.

Miss Adventure Pants on life after 40

Don’t wait forever to tell you story

So back to Orizaba: one of the people who actually summited on the ice was my friend and favorite training partner who’s in her sixties. (And she’s only been doing technical mountaineering for a couple of years!)

Later that week, she said, “I think I want to write about that. Maybe it will inspire other women.”

So I totally love the idea that she’s going to blog or Instagram this.

But I also hope she doesn’t stop there.

Because you don’t need to do some huge, momentous thing before you can help and inspire others.

(I know, because I’ve actually been inspired by her for years! I’m constantly telling her story to other people, so I’m thrilled that now we can all hear it in her own words.)

Some of the most inspiring women in my life are online creatives sharing their truth and everyday wisdom. People like Sara Tasker, Jenna Kutcher, Amanda Bucci, SoHee Lee, Kate McKibbin, and Sas Petherick have really touched my life. It’s definitely my favorite part of the Internet age.

If you think you maybe, might, kinda have a worthwhile story to tell — chances are that you do. Sometimes you don’t fully understand it yourself until you start talking (or writing). Please give it a try!

Be good to yourself

Next week, I’m planning to write more about Mexico, so I’ll get into more details about the volcanoes. But here’s a two part spoiler: I didn’t make it up Orizaba, and I didn’t handle it very well.

This year, I’ve been working really hard at the self-compassion thing. But let’s face it. It’s heartbreaking to train for something for 11 months and blow the main event.

Despite the fact that I’m supposed to be a mature human who’s turning 42, here are a few of the thoughts that went through my mind:

  • You’re so fat and gross (often my first default thought when this shit happens)
  • You’re getting old
  • Your body failed you
  • You didn’t try hard enough
  • Everyone is annoyed with how slow you are
  • No one will ever take you seriously as an outdoor or fitness blogger again
  • You should just quit this mountaineering shit, ’cause you suck at it

Seriously, if I talked to my friends the way I talk to myself sometimes, I would have zero friends.

So after a few days of wallowing in it (and being generally snappy and unpleasant), I decided to think about it differently.

Because I can choose to look at this as a forever failure. Or I can treat it like a temporary setback.

Orizaba day just wasn’t my day.

Everyone has bad days in mountaineering.

I learned a ton of lessons that will help me on the second attempt.

I get to come back to Mexico (yay!) and climb it in more pleasant conditions. (Snow instead of ice.)

Wow, that already feels better. I think I’ll stick with those thoughts.

Miss Adventure Pants on life after 40

So there you have it. All the wisdom of my 40s (so far).

I feel like there should be more. But I can definitely say that life after 40 has been a really exciting time of letting go of what other people think and becoming who I really am. It’s powerful to finally live according to my deepest values.

So here’s to making the most of 40 and beyond! (And on Tuesday, be sure to have a cupcake for me.)

Miss Adventure Pants on life after 40

How do you kick ass after 40? (Or, 50, 60, or 70?) Comment to share your wisdom!

Miss Adventure Pants on life after 40

This Is How to Kick Ass at Life After 40
Showing 24 comments
  • Dayna
    Reply

    I love this so much Sarah! What a great reminder not to run on the hamster wheel according to what society is trying to make us believe and realize that our greatest joys come from accepting ourselves.

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      YESSSS!!! Wise words, woman. Looking forward to catching up this week!

  • Meg
    Reply

    If I got a dime for the times I’ve called myself a sucky mountaineer I’d be a millionaire. In fact, the last mountain I climbed I told myself I’d quit…but we all know that won’t happen. People always paint these unrealistic pictures of themselves to to world – we are all human and that’s ok.

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      So true! When I am frustrated (and I was frustrated unto death on this trip), I always remember the time you threw your snowboard down the mountain. So thanks for telling me that story. It always makes me laugh, no matter how stupid I’m being.

  • Carrie
    Reply

    Soooo freaking awesome!! Thank you for sharing your story, AND for the reality check. Love this!!

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Carrie! Good to see you on here. It’s such a bummer we don’t get to hang out at work. Thanks for reading and for your kind words.

  • Alison
    Reply

    Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom! I love this!

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Aw, thanks so much for reading and for your kind words!

  • Irma Peña
    Reply

    Thanks for this, Sarah. Perhaps you have inspired me. I turned 60 this past summer and am in my last year at JIS. I feel so old, but maybe there is now time to do some things I have wanted to do. 42? You are still young! Enjoy all you do!

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Aw, I would love to hear what you have learned in the 40s and 50s sometime! I can’t believe it’s your last year at JIS. What’s next?

  • Kamala Marshall
    Reply

    HAPPY FREAKIN BIRTHDAY. CHICA BONITA!!!!! Rock on with your bad self~

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Thanks dude! We must celebrate soon!

  • Erica Tewell
    Reply

    Absolutely loved this. And happy birthday!!! I turned 40 in November and this resonates with me on every level. Finally getting to the point where my choices are much less based on people pleasing and more on what my inner knowing says! I just bought my first mountain bike. Excited for the challenges and adventures to come. I feel like I am just beginning in many other ways as well. Really great advice in this read. Thank you so much…(p.s. I will be a Maurer soon too, haha)

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Awesome! That is so great to hear. And let me know if you ever want to go mountain biking! (And congrats, are you getting married? To which Maurer? Maybe we’ll be cousins or something.)

  • Steve Martin
    Reply

    Sarah – I am impressed with what you are doing! And how you enjoying life!

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Hey, you were the one who inspired me to look into blogging, so huge thank you! You have always encouraged me to live an authentic life. How many people get that support from their financial planners?

  • Reena
    Reply

    Great words Sarah! I felt a real turning point for me was turning 40 and realising I didn’t care as much what other people thought of me. It’s made me much less scared to speak up in meetings and I’m sure it’s why I’ve managed to get stuff done. I just did it regardless of whether it was going to work or not!

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      That’s awesome! It’s so freeing, right? I’ve been really inspired by the writing of Tara Mohr who is big on women “playing big.” It’s possible at any age, but I suspect easier after 40. It’s like crap, time is running out. Time to do the really important stuff and let the rest go.

  • Joyce
    Reply

    Today I showed my volcano slide show to two fourth grade classes. Your photo on the mountain with Popocatepetl blowing up to your right was the final slide. It was a great photograph of both you and the mountain. You have done so many amazing things this year that you should be really proud of yourself. If you are as slow as you say, there are so many more people that never make the effort to see how slow they are.

    It is time for the next job hunt for me, and I am with your friend on trying to get the most rejections. Those applications have to be out there in order to find that one job or payoff. It is a rough year, but the training and experience have gone into it, and something good should come out of it. It is all about the attitude. Keep adjusting it and moving forward!

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Aw, I’m so honored you put my pic in your slideshow! And good luck with your job search. That’s such a brutal process sometimes. Let me know how you’re coming along and where you’re doing next!

  • Charlene
    Reply

    Sarah,
    Thank you for sharing your stories and your wisdom. I’ve let go in many areas and find I need to let go in a few more. Thanks again for sharing.

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Aw, thanks so much for reading! Letting go of the small stuff is not easy. Says the girl who just had to stop herself from answering her LinkedIN birthday messages from two years ago. =).

  • Edward W Wilson
    Reply

    At 22 I was graduating from Wittenberg U. with a Bachelor’s in Geology. At 32 I was operating a one room K-12 school for the 12 kids in a Yukon River gold rush near ghost town. At 42 I finished up a creative writer’s fellowship and moved to Kodiak. At 52 I moved to CA and created a private school inside an adolescent psych hospital. At 62 I opened my own practice with Dr Mary Ellen Barnes to offer confidential alcohol abuse programs to professional women. At 72 we’re still doing that. Not to make it sound too good, I note that I also divorced 4 wives, drank my way through 5 years of tragedies, lost a daughter to Stockholm syndrome, and endured a lot of other bugaboo. But I continue, help people most days, write good stuff and so so stuff, and enjoy the live and friendship of 3 exceptional women. Advice? Spend your life doing stuff. There will be plenty of time for not doing stuff when you’re dead.

    • El Jefe
      Reply

      Amazing words to live by! Wish I could do the double-high-five-of-bossness emoji on this keyboard! Thanks so much for commenting. You inspire me to get away from this keyboard and do some stuff.

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